Pocket Pool

Ok so I get it, every now and  then at some point every man will have to do the adjustment or scratch, most likely at the most inopportune times, to make their man parts more comfortable to lug around for the remainder of the day. Most men will even try to create a diversion of some sort when they are around others to do a quick tug, pull or scratch.  And that is appreciated! I will have to admit, I am not an expert in the tug and pull area but I am mature enough to know that most men know that playing pocket pull incessantly is not acceptable in most venues so, Why Why WHY do some men instinctively and obsessively reach down and touch his wiener every 45 seconds? Of course the answer is, “Oh it was my leg” or “I had an itch”. Really!?  You are tugging so hard you are openly gyrating and maneuvering that your pants are up your ass crack, like your ass has gone ape shit hungry and is just gobbling up your pants. Are we not supposed to notice this dance of the dick tug, while we are talking to you? Maybe they are just resting their hands there as some sort of shield from the earth and its elements or fear the wiener monster will come and snatch it. Maybe I’m wrong but I thought this is why we as a country have underwear and also pants?

The worst part of this is that he KNOWS women hate this and some of us will tell them that this is not ok all the time but he does not care.  If you know the man that does this and want to talk to him about it the conversation usually goes like this:

GUY: scratch scratch touch touch tug tug hold
Girl:  please don’t grab your weiner
GUY: I didn’t.
Girl: You did. I’m a lady and this makes me uncomfortable
GUY: *Rolls eyes* (you knew that was coming)
Girl: I SAID I WAS A F-ING LADY AND DON’T F-ING SCRATCH YOUR STUPID BALLS IN MY FACE.
GUY: Fine.
45 seconds pass
GUY: scratch scratch touch touch tug tug hold

Ok so for that 25% of men that love pocket pool, please we are begging you to not reach for your wein hole around us or anyone else for that matter. For Christ’s sake have some freakin control about yourself. Nope, I don’t want a sandwich with your fumunda cheese laden fingers and stop trying to shake my hand after you have gone all polishing your Shillelagh right in front of me.  F-ing gross.  What if women did that in public? Like grabbed our vag whenever we felt like it? We have a crevice you know, which is worse than protruding body parts. Things go in the crevice like the stupid THONGS that men require us to wear that never ever fit right (thank you Victoria Secret). But you don’t see us digging in there every 45 seconds do you? No because we have societal rules that say this is not the best idea so we exhibit self control.

You my friend have loose, soft fabric that skims whatever is going on down there. If you have an itch that reappears with this sort of frequency, I say you have the doctor step in because it’s NOT NORMAL OR OK. Stop making the whole male gender look like a bunch of ignorant, disgusting a-holes.

Stupid Kid Shows

What the hell is up with Kids Shows these days? Screw water boarding and vicious dogs biting at my head- true torture is Barney, Dora, Strawberry Shortcake, Veggie Tales and any Disney shit that they keep bombarding us with. By the way if you’re a grown up watching Disney shit and you are not accompanied by your demon spawn or someone else’s then, well honey I just have no words for the likes of you and your screwed mental childlike state. Anywho, I am totally ok with never getting to know the new mind burning -make- me -lose -my -shit- kid shows.  No seriously- I can’t tolerate the sing-song voices, special moral lessons, bitches telling me to share and everyone in your class deserves a cupcake doucheclownery. Listen here, Dora with your Big Blue Bridge, Shiny Shimmer Shack and Racing River, you get your own wine and Xanax you little monkey fucking hooker and when I want some how -to-make-friends advice from a stupid giant, purple no less, dinosaur,  – I’ll buy a ticket to Jurassic Park and try my luck with a T-Rex? Know what I would do if some darling child I was in charge of asked me to watch Dora? Stab myself in the jugular and spray that selfish little brat in a bath of shame and guilt called splatter art.