Man for a Day. Please!

While I've been surveying the domestic situation during many get togethers over the past quadrillion years. I noticed something interesting. No wait, I mean irritating. No matter where it was the men were enjoying themselves. Relaxing, eating whatever they wanted, laughing, checking out chicks and generally turning a blind eye to anything that could be an unwelcome distraction. You know: chores, screaming children, dogs unfed, trash overflowing, laundry piled up and so on. Women are not! They always seem to be refilling plates, icing beer, trying to keep children alive, taking care of the dog, putting the trash by the curb and working a thankless menial job because our schedules have to revolve around all these other LITTLE annoyances. Oh, and trying to stay pretty. No wonder women are always tired. The men immediately sit and rest when they get somewhere and women well, we get busy with a chore.

By no means am I saying men are lazy. I am just saying that they seem to truly know how to enjoy themselves. Women seem to think it’s selfish if we just sit and enjoy ourselves, that somehow we need to be hostess, Mom and janitor in order to prove we are worthy. WTH is that about? So I wonder, what would it be like if I were a man for a day? I would enjoy food so much more.  I would tell calories and fat to go fuck off while I stuffed my head with ribs, beer, potatoes, and gravy.  And hey If I need to blow my butt trumpet or take a horse sized crap that clogs the only toilet in the house, that’s acceptable and funny because I am a guy today. The other guys will high-five me and give me beer.

Men generally spend 30 minutes from shower to the front door compared to our 60 plus minutes to get from the shower to the closet. Since I’m gonna be a man today there will be  no need to. I will blissfully skip another thirty or so minutes trying to gauge my water weight gain versus which clothes can accommodate me and then no doubt having to call an emergency conference with a best friend so she can re-assure me I am not a big ole cow but a beautiful  woman who really does look awesome in stretch pants and a mumu. Not today, though. I am going to take a quick shower, play with my dangly wangly and slip on my jeans and flip-flops. I’m a guy – so I am going scruffy and shirtless today. I have shit to do.

First , I’m gonna catch up on my recorded movies. It’s a good thing I have 5.5 hours of me time since I have been recording shit to watch for years. (Women on the other hand have been busy working, cooking, cleaning, doing homework with kids and shuttling the little bastards angels around every waking hour that our me time has been limited to the rare minute we get to go to the bathroom. ) While being a man, I need to go check out the new BBQ pits, maybe get some new socks or sunglasses then stop by a happy hour or two to catch up with the guys and stare at hot chicks.

 I’ll be sure to scratch and adjust my junk a lot because that seems to be a man must. I will finally be able to solve the mystery of is the junk arranging a want to or a have to. I imagine most women would want to know what sex feels like from a mans perspective. Not me! NO THANKS, if I wanted to do that many push ups I would have used my free time to exercise! Plus, I’ve already diddled myself in the shower and have been handling my mini me all day long, hence all the junk adjustments. I will wrap up my man day by indulging in the 8.5 hours of sleep men get. WTF? They get more than four hours of sleep everyday? Can I be a man for a week? I may never leave bed at all. Hopefully, there will be some hot lady type in the house to bring me beer, make my meals and cater to me everyday.

The thing I will love the most about dangle day is just being and not have a gazillion to-do’s nagging me.