Dear dumbass co-worker

Memo’s to all the Work-Place Dumbassery: 

Dear Co-worker…..

I don't care what you and your husband watched on TV last night, nor do I care what your opinion on the show/movie is. I don't value your fucking opinion because your interests are nowhere near mine. For instance, I'm more interested in clubbing a baby seal than talking to you about anything personal or work related for that matter. And when you are doing data entry, you don't always have to turn around and tell me something funny a respondent said. Fuck off.

Wear some fucking shoes, ladies. Fat kankles wearing flip-flops around the office and that insufferable slap-slap-slap of a nasty pair of sandals whacking the bottom of your nasty, crusty, flaky, yellow-toenail-having feet is enough to make me call in sick.

When you are busy, you know what will help you get your work done? Doing your work. Do you know what will NOT help? Jawing off about how damn busy you are!

I don't give a fuck about your cats, no seriously, I don't. There's a reason I have my fucking earphones in all day and don't look at any of you.

If you want me to fucking do something, don't fucking tell me through an email, then send another email asking if I got the first email. Get up off your fat fucking ass and move the 10 feet it takes to talk to me, or just yell over your goddamned cubicle wall. I can hear you. Even over my headphones.

Why the hell would you walk all the way in here to interrupt me to show me a damn picture? No, I don't want to see a picture of your niece, I want to eat my lunch and have a little peace and quiet.

Hey fat secretary with type II diabetes, stop complaining all morning about how annoying your diabetes diet is and how you can't eat what you like and then eating McDonalds every day for lunch. Your retinas are tearing because of your sedentary lifestyle filled with saturated fat laced meals. Your complaints about your supposed diet lead me to believe you at least know that eating burgers, fries, and sweet tea every day is bad so do something about it. Also, brush your fucking teeth and get a new wardrobe. Oh and nobody cares about your dogs and if you are tired of your alcoholic husband spending all of your money, tell him to stop or leave his ass. and while you are at it, do the fucking admin work that is piling up on your desk.

If I ask you a question you don't need to go all patronizing 'father knows best' on me and bring me over to the computer screen and take me through click by click with your fat ass finger... just tell me where the file is. I'm not an idiot. Also, please stop leaning on my cubicle wall and holding ridiculous conversations with me when I'm clearly working... or even when I'm clearly not working. Your nasal accent is extremely grating.

The yogurt/bowl/container is EMPTY or at least it's 98% empty. If you are going to eat at your desk, don't EFFIN scrape it for the last remaining ATOM while we all listen to the spoon grate against your container.  Otherwise Im gonna take that spoon and stab you in the eye socket.

You work in Human Resources. Therefore, I shouldn't have to explain to you that your costume (which is about two sizes too tight) is inappropriate to wear to work. I don't give a rat's ass what you wear to the street corner tonight, but don't wear it in the office.